I've Got Sunshine On a Cloudy Day

Since the first day of school this year I have shared with anyone who would listen how incredible this current class of 9th graders is. How loving, friendly, intelligent, polite, sweet, personable, driven, and overall happy they are. I would frequently come home from work or talk to friends and family and simply announce, "I am obsessed with my students" as I continued on to tell stories of my kids. The uniqueness of this group of students was evident since the very first day of school, they have something about them that is just different and oh so special. I am so grateful for the laughs, the learning, the conversations, the growth,  the love, and the sincere happiness these students brought to me, and hopefully to each other, every day this year. The emotions I'm feeling- and all teachers are feeling- today, on Teacher Appreciation Day, as the governor announces schools will remain closed, during distance learning, on day 53 of quarantine, are dismal and heartbreaking.

It's been a month since we've been in school and since I've seen my students. A month filled with much emotion, stress, uncertainty, anxiety, and worry. It's also been a month filled with new routines, overwhelming gratitude, a greater appreciation for technology, stronger human connections, and even some beautiful moments. This strangeness we are living in reminds me just how much I love teaching our amazing students and makes me realize I miss them more than I thought was even possible. Here's the last picture we took together one month ago. I remember the deep and meaningful conversations we had that day, I remember their questions, I remember their nerves. We headed to the gym together, stayed strong, powered through our anxiety, and smiled about being together in our safe space. 

It's been almost a month since the quarantine lockdown began and despite the heavy waves of painful anxiety that come and go this has been a wonderful practice in gratitude. I've been incredibly grateful and definitely privileged to be in my house with a deck and a yard, with my loving husband, our technology, our salaries, and most importantly, our health. It's a crazy time for everyone but to be honest I've somewhat enjoyed slowing down and reevaluating what really matters in life. As a teacher, however, I'm heartbroken. I'm sad. And I'm supposed to be the strong one. The one who says "everything is fine, it's probably just a drill, please quiet down" during lockdowns when I'm scared. The one who tells my students that I love them because I don't know if anyone else in their lives has said that to them. I'm the one who, on March 13th, promised everything would be okay when my heart was beating faster than I knew was possible. Be

When my students feel overwhelmed and stressed, the first piece of advice I give them is to practice journaling to get their emotions out. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I should take my own advice. This quarantine, lockdown, stay at home order, coronavirus crisis is extremely scary and uncertain, and has caused me my fair share of anxiety and tears. It's hard for everyone- for parents, for people losing income, for small businesses and restaurants, for older people, for anyone prevented from seeing and spending time with friends and loved ones. We are all confused and worried and apprehensive. But for teachers, it's different and difficult. We have built our lives around helping, supporting, loving, teaching, and fostering love in a safe classroom every single day for so many students and that was just ripped away from us. We didn't just move our desks from an office to a table, and we didn't just replace in-person meetings with Zoom meetings. Our e