I've Got Sunshine On a Cloudy Day

Since the first day of school this year I have shared with anyone who would listen how incredible this current class of 9th graders is. How loving, friendly, intelligent, polite, sweet, personable, driven, and overall happy they are. I would frequently come home from work or talk to friends and family and simply announce, "I am obsessed with my students" as I continued on to tell stories of my kids. The uniqueness of this group of students was evident since the very first day of school, they have something about them that is just different and oh so special. I am so grateful for the laughs, the learning, the conversations, the growth,  the love, and the sincere happiness these students brought to me, and hopefully to each other, every day this year. The emotions I'm feeling- and all teachers are feeling- today, on Teacher Appreciation Day, as the governor announces schools will remain closed, during distance learning, on day 53 of quarantine, are dismal and heartbreaking....

It's been a month since we've been in school and since I've seen my students. A month filled with much emotion, stress, uncertainty, anxiety, and worry. It's also been a month filled with new routines, overwhelming gratitude, a greater appreciation for technology, stronger human connections, and even some beautiful moments. This strangeness we are living in reminds me just how much I love teaching our amazing students and makes me realize I miss them more than I thought was even possible. Here's the last picture we took together one month ago. I remember the deep and meaningful conversations we had that day, I remember their questions, I remember their nerves. We headed to the gym together, stayed strong, powered through our anxiety, and smiled about being together in our safe space. 

It's been almost a month since the quarantine lockdown began and despite the heavy waves of painful anxiety that come and go this has been a wonderful practice in gratitude. I've been incredibly grateful and definitely privileged to be in my house with a deck and a yard, with my loving husband, our technology, our salaries, and most importantly, our health. It's a crazy time for everyone but to be honest I've somewhat enjoyed slowing down and reevaluating what really matters in life. As a teacher, however, I'm heartbroken. I'm sad. And I'm supposed to be the strong one. The one who says "everything is fine, it's probably just a drill, please quiet down" during lockdowns when I'm scared. The one who tells my students that I love them because I don't know if anyone else in their lives has said that to them. I'm the one who, on March 13th, promised everything would be okay when my heart was beating faster than I knew was possible. Be...

When my students feel overwhelmed and stressed, the first piece of advice I give them is to practice journaling to get their emotions out. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I should take my own advice. This quarantine, lockdown, stay at home order, coronavirus crisis is extremely scary and uncertain, and has caused me my fair share of anxiety and tears. It's hard for everyone- for parents, for people losing income, for small businesses and restaurants, for older people, for anyone prevented from seeing and spending time with friends and loved ones. We are all confused and worried and apprehensive. But for teachers, it's different and difficult. We have built our lives around helping, supporting, loving, teaching, and fostering love in a safe classroom every single day for so many students and that was just ripped away from us. We didn't just move our desks from an office to a table, and we didn't just replace in-person meetings with Zoom meetings. Our e...

So here's the thing. I like to write, always have. But as I've become more of an adult, and priorities have taken over my life, I've lost the discipline (or perhaps desire?) to sit and write and edit and read and post. What's funny about that is that I am an English teacher by day, and much of our time in my classroom is spent writing and learning the ropes of basic English conventions and sentence structure. Better yet, when my students are stressed or facing trauma, they often come to me for advice. One of the first coping mechanisms I teach them about is journaling, often stopping at Marshalls or Target on my way home that very day to pick up a journal for a kid in need. I frequently say that I should take my own advice, and something sparked in me today to get back on here and do just that. Teaching is hard. Most people think teaching is easy- the people that have never taught think teaching is easy. Teaching is challenging, emotional, exhausting, trying, stressfu...

Yesterday, I went with my fiance, Ryan, to get our marriage license. We were excited and giddy as we moved one step closer to our wedding, and more importantly to our marriage. Hartford City Hall is a gorgeous building of stone and marble, cool and dark inside, and ultimately beautiful. In the vital records office we each had to fill out a simple sheet with the most basic information about ourselves. There was one section that I found to be an odd request though; we each had to put where our mother and father were born. For the section inquiring about my mom I simply wrote, "New Haven, CT" which is where Ryan and I were both born too; that was easy. But next to the box asking where my dad was born I wrote one word, "Australia". I don't have a great relationship with my father, but knowing he was born on the other side of the world is something I have always found to be unique and exciting. I've always wondered, does this make me Australian? Is this part of m...

Yesterday was one of those days where I was able to spend some quality time reflecting on all the good in my life and feel confident about where I am at this exact moment. I count my blessings very often and commit myself to a prayer of thanks and gratitude on a daily basis. Every single day I have something to be grateful for, in fact I have very many things, both tangible and intangible. Yesterday was a day where things connected, memories replayed themselves in my mind, and songs brought back emotional recollections from days past. I was both nostalgic and fulfilled. I woke up on a chilly autumn October Saturday feeling relaxed and excited. I prepared a few things around my apartment that smelled of cinnamon and by early afternoon I was in my car headed down to Long Island. The brilliant blue sky was accented with bright patches of orange, yellow, and vibrant red as I cruised down the highway during the almost-peak of the foliage season. We've been lucky to have an extremely v...

I wanted to quit my job in October. I wanted to walk away from teaching and declare that it was far too challenging for me to continue my career. I brainstormed other career options, talked to people in different fields, and decided maybe this wasn't the job I thought it was. I've quit a few things in my life; playing the flute, playing softball, and running outdoor track in high school. Except for those few instances, I've never voluntarily said "I quit" to anything else in my life. I've been someone who will stick it out, keep an open mind, and cross the finish line, even if I was in last place. But in the fall, I wanted to up and leave, quit and walk away. I had a fantastically hard working team of teachers around me, I had some strong admins, and I had, technically, landed my "dream job" only two years prior. Would I regret leaving? Would I care? The disrespect I was dealt on a daily basis would make anyone want to walk away. Or fight back....

It seems like Easter is a fitting time to reflect on life, death, and what love truly is. As we reflect on Jesus and all that happened to him when he died and rose again, we realize how quickly people come and go from our lives. Life can literally be taken away in an instant. It could be death or it could be a metaphor for death if someone's mind were to vanish or personality were to completely change. We are still left feeling empty, sad, and though sometimes at peace, our hearts still sting. Just two days ago I attended a funeral for a beautiful woman, someone who lived a long, happy, and complete life. We wished her to the heavens with prayers, flowers, and fond memories. The very next day I was at a baptism, welcoming new life into the church and into God's family. Life and death. Dying and living. It was powerful to me to reflect on the proximity of these two events and how meaningful they both are. Though separate, I found such a connection on these two things occurring b...

And just like that it's 2015. Since I was in elementary school I have loved writing. I love writing poetry, creative stories, and sometimes even a good research paper. As I've mentioned, my blog has acted as my sanity, a source of release, a therapy of sorts. However, time and time again I am challenged with the daunting task of finding something to write about. I want readers, followers, fans even! But when I come on here to type, it's always the same thing. Positivity, gratefulness, being blessed, the obsession with my friends and family, etc. I don't try new recipes and write about them. I'm not on some crazy diet and stop in to report results. I'm not in a book club where I post discussion questions. I simply write what's on my mind and those things are obviously frequently the same. How do I just pick a topic? How will I ever complete my life long goal of writing a book? One thing, I will say, that I have become ever so passionate and consistent abo...

When I come home from my typical 9 hour day at work, it doesn't end there. I'm usually starving since my "lunch" break is at 10:50am, and I'm usually already ready for sweats, my toothbrush, and my bed. But it's not over. The stack of papers I have to grade has traveled home with me, the colored markers are neatly on my desk. Different correcting colors for different moods. (A lot of red lately.) The list of things to do after that is never-ending: write agendas, type out meeting minutes, plan lessons and units and tests, write lessons and units and tests, PPT forms, SAT forms, behavioral sheets, etc...etc...etc.... I won't bore you. It's a tough job. And lately it's gotten tougher. The disrespect, the cell phones, the sense of entitlement of these hormonal teens is astonishing at times. For a job I felt I was born to do, I also have been feeling physically and mentally worn down. And it's not even November. There are only 38 days until my ne...

The state of Connecticut isn't always thought of as a vacation destination or even much more than a rest  stop along a route heading elsewhere. Growing up in Connecticut was good at best; my family could go to the beach, a park, an ice rink, or even a museum if we so desired. Our neighborhoods were packed with kids, tree houses, and friendly faces. There were occasional sporting events to attend (RIP Hartford Whalers and New Haven Ravens) and there were good schools where my sister and I made great friends. Connecticut is lucky enough to experience all four seasons which means there's always something else to look forward to from Mother Nature. We are also a state fortunate enough to be considered part of picturesque New England yet also part of the hustling, bustling Tri-State Area. Connecticut is a unique place. A place known for high taxes, bad highways, rich people, and poor people. A state where native Connecticuters speak with no accent and drive with no road rage, (ha.) ...

I've checked something off of my year long to-do list, finally. After hemming and hawing and finding a thousand excuses and reasons not to do it, I finally did it. I signed up for a gym membership! Big deal, right? So what? Well, this is the first time in my life I've signed up for a gym. In high school I was a "runner," in college I would walk across campus to go to the gym, but that was easy- it was free and it was close and I could go with my friends and roommates. What's not to love? After college, I would run and exercise whenever I could on the quiet, peaceful trail near my house. I also got more into yoga and would go as much as I could. I became obsessed with yoga- everything about it was positive and made me feel good. I loved the spiritual side of it, the relaxation of it, but I also felt it was a great workout and detox after spending 8 hours a day with hormonal teenagers. However, six weeks ago I moved into a new apartment and I'm farther away fo...

There are a lot of things on my mind currently, one of which is how few blog followers I have. How can I get more? Then the thought crosses my mind; why would anyone want to follow or even read my blog? I have no exciting life story, no fun diet, workout plan or adversity that I'm facing to write about in detail. No cross country road trip, innovative recipe, or new location to explore. I find solace in my blog, even peace. Sometimes I crave this blog to release the rush of emotions from my head. Often times, as soon as I sit down to type, I am at a loss. Recently, the different emotions that have been traveling through my veins are enough to cause that too familiar feeling of anxiety, a feeling that I thought had gone away for a long while. The typical stress from work, from feeling overwhelmed, and from facing change never seem to go away. Add on the stress of toxic and less toxic but still toxic relationships, of envy, jealousy, wonder, and awe. Of course there is happiness, joy...

I'm not sure that I'm aware of what the current stereotypes are toward teachers. I don't know what goes through a person's mind when I answer the ice breaker, "so what do you do?" with two simple words; "I teach." Perhaps people think I color and laugh and tell stories all day. Or maybe, if the conversation reaches the fact that I teach high school English they might think we write poems and dissect the meaning behind different literary works by Poe, Shakespeare, and Dickinson. I don't know what people think. What I do know is the truth. I know the truth behind the stress, frustration, gratitude, and little victories each teacher shares. I know the look of fear, belonging, fatigue, sadness, and invincibility on the faces of teenagers; inner city,  multicultural, intelligent, deprived, and ever so resilient teenagers. Today was a 14 hour day. I woke up at the usual time, watched the sun rise over the highway while I listened to my book on tape, ...

I believe it's quite obvious that my favorite word is gratitude , and I think it's a good word to promote. I have a gratitude jar, a gratitude journal, and an overall attitude of gratitude. I am thankful for breathing and being and everything in between. But I also believe that there is an extreme importance and need to increase the words "thank you." A few weeks ago in the mail I sent a card to a good friend over in the midwest. She sent me a text to say thank you. For a card! On the same day, I sent a card to a friend up in Massachusetts with a small little insert that reminded me of her. She sent me a snapchat and said thank you. Also for a card! I brought a hostess gift to a friend's parents in New York and just got the most thoughtful thank you card in the mail. It mad me smile, it made me realize how grateful they were, and it made me want to continue giving. They all truly appreciate the little things, as well as the big things. Saying thank you these days,...

Am I the only one? Thank God it's MONDAY! I admit it... I like Mondays better than I like Fridays. Ready? Here we go. When I wake up on Monday mornings I feel extremely refreshed after spending a day or two with only a few responsibilities to complete, none of which involve whining teenagers speaking incorrect grammar. Jumping out of bed early on Monday morning comes much easier than jumping out of bed on Thursday, Friday, or even early on a Saturday. After spending many, many hours with my students and coming up with engaging lessons to keep everyone challenged yet not overwhelmed on their particular academic level is downright exhausting, and that doesn't include the staff meetings, planning time, testing, grading, duties, on and on and on and on. By the time I get to Friday, all I can think about is my bed. The thought of happy hour with friends or co-workers comes to mind occasionally, but following that thought is the thought of my sweatpants and hot tea, which is much m...

Aside from optimism and positivity, a topic that I enjoy writing about is friendship. One of the most blessed gifts I have in my life is my friends. Near and dear and even far away, and as cliche as it sounds, my friends simply make my life. I am lucky enough to have friends that I adore, friends that have dreams of all sizes and hearts that are larger than life. A good, loyal, unconditionally loving friend is hard to find. I'm blessed to have had a small handful of them since my childhood, and even more blessed to have added to the group once I entered college. My first college friends were the ones that stuck around the longest, and will stick together for life. A revelation of just how luck I am came just ten days ago. My birthday was a surprisingly fun day this year, despite the fact that I wasn't exactly excited to turn 27. I kept it low key, spending a quiet night in with my best friend of all, and visiting friends in New York the next day. However, it turned into a fa...

The new year is upon us, January is here with a kind reminder of who she is, and my arms are already sore from shoveling. I am healthy, able, and willing to get outside, to turn my cheeks rosy and to clear the snow away. A snow day Friday is the best kind of snow day. Three holidays have gone by since my last post, the three biggest of the year perhaps. I was surrounded by loved ones, by new faces and old favorites, and even by some through the screen of my iPhone. It is indeed a crazy time of the year. I always believe I'm done with my Christmas shopping rather early, but alas, that's never the case and I'm running out into the wild with the other last minute shoppers. I made sure to take full advantage of my days off from work and spend a little time focusing on myself on the yoga mat. Through the craziness that is the holidays there is a place I can go for instant peace and quiet, for friendly faces and a reminder that it's okay to focus on me and do something sel...